Who can say they haven't had deal with a lack of confidence at some point in their lives? Even if I am reasonably sure about myself in many aspects, there's always the issue of self-importance, rather. Is it worth expressing my ideas in any format, at all? Does anyone care about my point of view? To be honest, I haven't always found a positive and reassuring answer to this. Perhaps it's because I am often too impractical, or at least express myself in such a way... Dunno.

So, writing a blog on a regular basis is a problem, see? 

I am not the kind of person that needs to write down their thoughts or confess their impressions. I can usually remember myself and correlate the contents of my mind well enough without written aid. (Of course, complex new ideas, epiphanies, and stuff like that require noting down--they're strange and unfamiliar things that bare analysis after-the fact.)

But writing for an audience? I hate the metrics this site provides because they show visits all-too-well. When "the numbers are low" you're unpopular and missing something. When they're picking up, you wonder who they are, what they think, and how you could make things better. Sales. It turns into a product you must carefully manufacture, test with prospective consumers, and then advertise. WHY???

So, how do I continue to express my emerging world-view when there's a million reasons to do otherwise? To keep it bottled up inside my mind, like I've always done, and only rarely let it out? Maybe that's what I should explore with tonight's full moon...

I know the video's long, but it's probably best as background noise. Beautiful, too.

I've sort of become obsessed with the Star Goddess. Let me begin with Friday's meditation:

It's the Spirit Meditation exercise from Christopher Penczak's The Outer Temple of Witchcraft book and I'm floating in a wonderful lil' trance. It's been AGES since I meditated this freely. I don't even care that I went in seeking guidance on specific issues and somehow selected the wrong recording. Play on, I'm loving this. Then my visualization of "divine energy from the heavens" turns into a stream of light flooding down from the stars above and into my cranium. That's neat. I love space. While sharing insights from "spirit" I am struck by Carl Sagan's often quoted statement: "We are made of star stuff." And it's just the same way I've said it before. It's not just atoms, it's connection. It's unity. There's even some purpose there! The meditation ends and I'm left "fuzzy headed" for the rest of the night, because I'm out of practice and can't ground this thing.

Then Saturday I have a strange nightmare/dream. Nothing really scary, just zombies and jump-scares. Someone I trusted, a teacher in public school but also with some spiritual clout, has unleashed some sort of zombie/vampire plague by preying on his students. I'm enraged and I try to confront him. The man's pathetic and being consumed by some ancient thing: a ball of iron that fell to Earth, but also the beating heart of some ancient and terrifying Goddess. "It's the core and it fears you. If you take it into yourself, it'll return home and be complete. It's afraid of that, it loves this filthy world so much, it wants to stay and end it." I end the man, the plague, and keep the iron core at a safe distance. Weary.

Sunday, I meet with some pagan friends. Trying to kickstart the much-neglected community in Palm Beach County. It goes great, such a wonderful gathering of folks. We're just talking but the energy exchange, on this basic level, is amazing. I'm empathic again and maybe floating around everyone's head and god I love these pagan people! Then someone mentions the Feri tradition and explains their Star Goddess a bit. Star Goddess, huh? I come back home and Google it.

Starhawk's Charge of the Star Goddess from her book, The Spiral Dance:

"I who am the beauty of the green Earth,
The white Moon among the Stars,

And the Mystery of the Waters,

I call upon your soul to arise and come unto Me.

For I am the Soul of Nature, which gives life to the universe.

From Me all things proceed, and unto Me they must return.

Let My worship be in the heart that rejoices,

For behold - all acts of love and pleasure are My rituals.

Let there be beauty and strength, Power and compassion,

Honour and humility, Mirth and reverence within you.

And you who seek to know Me,

Know that your seeking and yearning will avail you not,

Unless you know the Mystery:

For if that which you seek you find not within yourself,

You will never find it without.

For behold, I have been with you from the beginning,

And I am that which is attained at the end of desire."

 

Well, damn. Those opening words are inscribed on my necklace. And this is the part of the Charge I always liked, the more coherent and approachable one. The less superstitious one.

Then I come across the name Dryghtyn--something coming from Uncle Gerard and probably beyond. (Let it never be said I don't voraciously pursue every scrap of information when interested.) I love that name... Dryghtyn. I love all names starting with the letter. Dryghtyn. Star Goddess. God Herself. Like where all matter comes from, right? The thing that means all life is probably one. Here comes the fuzzies again.

Am I having a spiritual awakening? Feels like I'm punch drunk on something, alright. And it's so simple--no faith required, really. This will really sooth my skeptic sensibilities.